I was just sitting, watching things and I was inspired into a directed line of thought. A combination of what is the meaning of it all and what is the point mixed.

I feel as if I'm here for a reason but that reason isn't that profound.

Picture these events leading up to a familiar scene from a movie:

A man wakes up to a buzzing alarm clock. He turns over to wake his wife who's already gotten out of bed and is sitting downstairs watching talk shows. He gets up, shaves, brushes his teeth and gets ready to work all the while making no conversation with his wife drawn into the tube. He puts on his work clothes and heads out the door stopping for a moment to say, "off to work honey, I love you." She doesn't look back and replies, "don't forget to bring the trash cans in from the tree lawn when you come home." Sad and discontent he heads out to work, gets to his job as a merchant. He starts loading produce onto the shelves of his cart. He makes sure they're all neat and presentable. The cart wheels perfectly rolling with no resistance and the sign drawn in a professional yet cartoony style. He wipes the sleep from his eyes as he opens the doors of work and walks to his designated selling point at the corner of 5th and Main. He's on his way there, crossing a street when suddenly a man in a sports car, tailed by a cop, tears ass over a hill and, speeding, plows right through the man's cart throwing produce everywhere.

How much of that scene did you witness in the movies? That last bit right? Rewind it a little bit, and then pause it as the man reacts to the cart. That's me.

That's what I feel like sometimes. Like I'm trapped in this role. This pergatory of mediocrity unable to become more or less than what I am because somewhere along the line there's going to be an important scene in someone elses life where there will be the need for a walk-on extra who's down on his luck to make an example out of.

I've never felt like I had a place on this planet. I go through friends like a kid with a packet of sparklers, burning them out as soon as I get my hands on them. People who grew old too quick telling me I've never grown up. Sitting, watching everyone I know become parts of families while I sit here waiting for my cue.

It's pretty frustrating. I always knew that something special was going to happen to me but I just now got the realization that it probably won't be a good special. Maybe I'll be the patient that dies who teaches a doctor to care about details. Or the person the cops didn't listen too who winds up dead. The shot hostage used to prove he's serious. It's like the main character of American Jesus: Chosen said, "When you find out your part of this major plan you automatically assume that you're the lead role but no one ever stops and think that maybe they're just a bit part until it's too late."

I don't even know why I'm trying this really. The chance of this blog making a relevant change in my life is slim to none. Like crying for help in space I guess because honestly, I know I'm stuck at this exact point. I have too many things tethering me to this exact point. I can't move. I literally can't move. I'm shackled to the here and now unable to look at the past and incapable of dragging myself into the future.

Damnit, why can't I get Take the Long Way Home out of my head?

So I'm realized I'm a little remembered speck on this site. I haven't created anything in forever so it's understandable. I even tried to create a promotion program where I would promote the first 5 people that commented about it and I got 4 (if you're wondering why I canned it).

I really need to start creating more. I just have no inspiration anymore and as the idea of turning pop culture into physical mediums such as wood burns and oil painting etc picks up I'm starting to notice that most of the artists in my field or ridiculously egotistical pricks fighting for lime light as all they have to do is tell a game magazine or website they're the first and the publisher will believe them as they're not interested in researching. The fact that most of my fellow pop-artists in the game field are pricks it not only greatly discourages me to create anything but it also automatically stamps me with the same label.

I mean, look at the guy I mentioned in the last journal. He was so mad that another artist (I really nice artist for once) had gotten attention in Penny Arcade he was going around telling people he "created him" and that he was the first to ever do video game paintings based off pixel art.

I don't know, I really need to find my muse. Now that I'm actually working with video games and getting paid for it my love for them is coming back but it comes at a price too. Now I have unlimited access to free video games which means I'm constantly playing them to get familiar with them so...boom...there goes the free time.

I don't know. Worst part, THE worst part. I have someone who offered me money for two woodburns and I still can't get inspired enough to make them. Gotta focus. I need someone to come over here and stand over me and force me to work on them or something. I'm starting to feel like the main character in I Feel Sick. Bleh.

Anyways that's it for now.

Oh, and I Feel Sick can be read here:
[link]
I don't normally like reading them online but as you'll likely never see this awesome book on the shelves again this is one of the best ways to see it.

It seems like once a year I befowl someone on DeviantArt. I go and find some great artists and some how also end up one enemy richer. It never fails. Could be my charm, could be my 3 cups pizazz. Who knows. And as always I almost never want to mention the person's name because I have fear you'll go to his site and give him pageviews he does not deserve so...good people will be mentioned with links, bad people will not get links.

Anyways, I'm a gamer, everyone that knows me knows that. I'm so much of one I have Pac-Man maze wrapped around my left arm. And as part of the gamer cliche I have to make multiple stops a week at the webcomic Penny Arcade. They mentioned this amazing artist named *gfball84887 who does paintings in a pixel art style that look amazing. What I didn't know is that befriending him will get me a message from a one mister 8-bit-Painter. Now, before I go on, remember, if it's not linked DON'T GO THERE as the extra pageviews will do the opposite of what this journal is here to do.

Anyways, within minutes of me watching *gfball84887 I got a message from "the other guy" (as I will now continue to call him) telling me that if I liked *gfball84887 I would love his work. Me, being one of those people who automatically sense danger I went back to *gfball84887's site and started going through his recent watch list. I found that on almost every person's page "the other guy" was there with the same non-personal, cut and paste cookie cutter invite much like a pedophile attempting to lure kids into his van with one lolly. See, a lot of people say that there are a lot of fish in the sea, and while the fish theme works well with relationships, it simply applies well to humans as a whole. There are different types of humans just like there are different types of fish. And sometimes humans can be very similiar to a lamprey. Now, if you don't know what a lamprey is, a lamprey (sp?) is a little fish. How it survives is by attaching itself to an apex predator such as a shark and tries desperately to rake in some of the predator's kill. This is the case here.

My note's back and forth took a terrible turn when he did something that, for most people wouldn't be bad but...for him it was something amazingly terrible. He responded.

Let's read the note shall we?

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"lol. you really have no idea man. uh yeah see, there wouldnt be a gfball without me. he saw my stuff, thought it was amazing and wanted to try his hand at it and i helped him through the process in the beginning. i was the first person to start doing this. ive been in nintendo power among other magazines and been interviews on various websites. for every 1 person that might be like "oh lame, spam!" there are 10 people that are "oh shit, this is great!"

when he asked how to get as many fans as me, i told him to go through all 3800 of my "friends" on myspace and friend every one of them. because that how i got fans in the beginning. i went through and let people know i was out there. its called do it yourself promotion."
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Let's note several key phrases here shall we? :
"wouldt be a gfball without me"
"saw my stuff, thought it was amazing"
"i was the first person to start doing this"
"'oh shit, this is great'"
"get as many fans as me"

Picture him, older, much older, sitting in a room in an asylum talking to an interviewer. You know who he'd look like? Fucking Antonio Salieri from the movie Amadeus. Remember? If you've never seen the movie it's all about Mozart but told through the narration of an insane Antonio Salieri who, while claiming he was the superior artist got so jealous of Mozart's fame he inadvertantly killed him.

Not only that but I'm also particularly bothered when he states he's the first person to do painting's like his. He wants to reference Nintendo Power? I'll reference it as well. Nintendo Power has had a feature as long as I can remember. The feature is fan art. You send in paintings, drawings, whatever of video game characters. This idea of pop culture applied to canvas did not start with you. And if you're talking about people who are actually trying to do it as an art form with the intent of maybe getting recognized in a gallery form? Well, as the "first of your kind" where have you been? I've gone through every piece displayed at the last three I Am 8-Bit video game art shows in Hollywood and I just can't find anything of yours. You'd think that if someone was the first of their kind and recognized in many different sources they'd be tripping over themselves to portray your art in the creme de la creme of video game based art festivals but I have looked and...alas...no "other guy" to be found.

Moral of this story kids. It takes an intellegent person to be an artist. It truly does. When you become an idiot, you're obviously no longer intellegent and there for your art is at risk. Is it worth it?

So...I made a new DeviantID, finished it today. I'm not a teacher anymore and I figured three years is a long time, I needed an update. It also made me realize though...it's been over a year since I actually woodburned something. No joke. My most recent one, the one of Booster Gold was gone in early 2007. My god, I've been that dry on ideas? So yeah, I need to create more.

So, I'm working on a new profile picture. This thing's taking me forever to do but I'm actually somewhat proud of it. Yep, I know, it's just a profile picture, but when you see it you'll see why, I'm trying to do a profile picture that...for some reason...no wood burners seem to have so...yeah. I'm almost done and then epic profile pic time.